It’s been a hell of a week so I’m beyond excited to meet up with a friend for lunch. Although I try to check out new restaurants each time I go out to eat, I’m really stressed and hungry and want the comfort of a place I already know has muy sabroso (very delicious) food, so we choose to meet at Apoala. We sit on the patio and I order the tiradito de short rib for my appetizer and sea bass for my main course. And for my drink a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.

It’s a beautiful sunny day. It’s the kind of day where the clouds are nice and plump and people are walking from table to table selling their jewelry, cigars and hats. I sigh because it feels like I can’t fully enjoy the calmness I see around me because of the turmoil I feel inside me. The why questions keep flooding my mind. Why did this happen to me? And why right now? Because honestly I would have been fine losing my job a year from now, once I’ve stacked all my coins and paid all my debts. But today, no. Not today. It just doesn’t seem fair.

I’m catching my friend up on all the things that have happened with my job and she says something that shook me to the core then freed me from my self-defeating thoughts:

“Destruction is required to get to the innovation.”

Hearing those words took me back to a conversation I had with my therapist who reminded me of some key lessons I will now share with you.

Be Honest With Yourself

Growing up I lived in two financial worlds. My momma worked one job all her life that she retired from almost 20 years ago. My dad always wanted to chart his own path. He was full of new business ideas and hopes that one of them would lead to financial freedom. I vividly remember being in elementary school and answering the house phone exclaiming in my most professional voice, “Kingdom Carpet Cleaning, how may I help you?” I was in the 1st or 2nd grade when I learned the word entrepreneur. Seeing my dad get excited about a new venture and work to bring his ideas to life always stuck with me. But what also stuck with me was how difficult it was to create financial sustainability from those ideas. Seeing my momma get paid every two weeks and reaping the benefits of those paychecks stuck with me, too. But what also stuck with me was how often my momma worked more than 40 hours a week and how she wasn’t able to be present at a log of her children’s events because of work.

I didn’t know it as a child, but now I realize I yearned for both. I wanted the freedom and space to create what it seemed being an entrepreneur offered. And I wanted the stability of consistent income, which it seemed working for someone else offered. And now that I’m faced with being laid off, I have to be honest with myself about how I want to spend my time moving forward.

Twice in my life God has given me the space, and has opened the door, for me to step in and do the thing I keep saying I want to do. The first time was in 2014 when I started a tutoring company. The second time was in 2020 during the pandemic when I created an online learn to read course. Both businesses had a lot of potential to grow and in fact, when I started them brought in a few extra thousand dollars. What I lacked was consistency and faith. So each time an opportunity came to return to a full time role, I accepted it. And although I enjoyed every role and title I’ve had in the past, it was also taking me further away from many of my deepest desires for how I wanted to live my life. Now, I’ve got a third chance. Everything has aligned in a way I did not expect, but could this layoff be the destruction I needed to create space for my innovative thinking to flow more freely?

The Money Didn’t Bring You Peace

After I graduated college in 2007, I started my career in education as a 4th grade teacher. I’ve been blessed to experience various roles over the last 15 years and saw my salary shift from $40,000 to $90,000 as I elevated from one job title to the next. Because I love helping people of all ages, being an educator was and still is fulfilling. What I recognized though is, continuing to rise in titles, responsibilities and salary did not equal a more peaceful existence. With each new role came more stress and more having to bend parts of myself to accommodate my work environment. I was making more money but I was physically exhausted and emotionally depleted.

You’re Limiting Yourself

So here I am once again, a third chance to have the space to do the thing I keep saying I want to do. I could spend my time looking for another job and continue on the path I’ve already started. Or I could create a new path. To desire financial stability is not limiting myself. But to think that I have to keep doing the same thing I’ve always done is not only limiting myself, it’s showing how little faith I have that God can give me the desires of my heart. If I was totally fine with how my life was going, then these thoughts wouldn’t keep coming up for me. I’d just go get another job and put being laid off behind me. But what if this layoff is an unexpected gift?

If all I’ve got is this one life, how do I want to live it?

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